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Thursday, June 13, 2013

If Only...

If we ever were to grasp how much God loved us...I wonder how far that knowledge would carry us.
I wonder what sort of prayers I might pray if I was sure...really sure...that He was at least as eager to hear my voice and grant my request as I am with my daughter. Undoubtedly He loves me even more than that, but it's the strongest feeling of love I know personally.
What kind of peace would I know, in the midst of the turmoil my life has been stuck in for 5 years now, if underneath it all, I really grasped that God was absolutely, breathlessly wild about me. That even this was not only something He "permitted" but something He weighed in His balances eons ago, decided it was the very best thing for me, and then orchestrated more minute details within this desert I've been walking than I will ever know about. He has never --not even once-- been caught off guard by my struggle. Nothing that has happened has be reactionary on His part. Everything happens right now and He always knew about it.
What kind of love could I show to other people...especially people I distrust, dislike, disavow, disagree with, or the ones who just plain annoy me? If my experience of the love of Jesus in my own life was so genuine and so entirely dependent solely on Him, then I wouldn't need to try (in vain) to elevate myself in my own eyes by standing on someone else, or their dreams, or their stupid habits that make me want to smack them. If I really grasped the overwhelming flood of wild, out-of-control love He has for me, there would be enough left over to spill over the others around me. The ones I have such a hard time loving on my own.
What would silence feel like if I could hear His constant whispers: "I love you so much"
What would a walk in the woods feel like? Or along the beach? What would I see in a starry night or in an approaching thunderstorm? What kind of dad would I be if I was able to love my daughter from the bottomless well from which God loves me?
What would it do with the knowledge I've gained with my Bachelors and will gain in Seminary? What would it do to the words on my pages and the speeches and sermons I deliver?
We try all our lives to attain the approval of people around us. It's nearly impossible and it's more fleeting than a breath on a winters morning.
God...the parts of our hearts that receive love are so damaged. It's hard to love each other and to let others love us...much less to believe that You want to. Please give me the kind of heart that loves you enough to let you love me.

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